{"id":3726,"date":"2009-10-20T01:40:43","date_gmt":"2009-10-20T00:40:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.aguidetolovelossanddesperation.com\/?p=3726"},"modified":"2013-01-23T19:30:01","modified_gmt":"2013-01-23T18:30:01","slug":"jsem-idiot","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.aguidetolovelossanddesperation.com\/?p=3726","title":{"rendered":"Jsem idiot"},"content":{"rendered":"
Je 1.16 r\u00e1no a j\u00e1 v norm\u00e1ln\u00edm sv\u011bt\u011b d\u00e1vno p\u0159e\u017eran\u00e1 sp\u00edm. Mus\u00edm se k n\u011b\u010demu p\u0159iznat. M\u00e1m depresi. J\u00e1 m\u00e1m fakt depresi. Nem\u00e1m takovou tu, jak si mysl\u00edte, \u017ee ji m\u00e1te. Mo\u017en\u00e1, \u017ee m\u00e1m, kdy\u017e o n\u00ed v\u00edm, ale to bych neodb\u00edhala na z\u00e1chod, \u017ee budu zvracet a spala bych. Spala bych a asi bych m\u011bla hlad. Hrozn\u011b se mi chce zvracet a klepou se mi ruce. Myslim si, \u017ee by m\u011blo bejt na \u010dase si \u0159\u00edct co a jak m\u00e1 bejt (a nem\u00e1) a stanovit si n\u011bjak\u00fd hodnoty. Svoje osobn\u00ed hodnoty a hodnoty \u017eivota. Nem\u00e1m je stanoven\u00fd no.<\/div>\n
Chci toho hrozn\u011b moc a neud\u011blala jsem pro to nic. V\u016fbec. Od t\u00fd doby co tady bydl\u00edm, tady sed\u00edm a p\u0159emej\u0161l\u00edm. A nic ned\u011bl\u00e1m. Proto\u017ee kurva tady nejsou stanoven\u00fd \u017e\u00e1dn\u00fd hodnoty. Co si \u0159eknu, neud\u011bl\u00e1m. J\u00e1 to mus\u00edm za\u010d\u00edt d\u011blat. Mus\u00edm p\u0159ehodnotit v\u0161echno. Nem\u016f\u017eu si \u0159\u00edct, \u017ee se mi dneska tohle nechce a tohle taky ne. Nem\u016f\u017eu u\u017e, no. Nevim, nevim jak se donutim to ud\u011blat. Fakt nevim… je to pro m\u011b tak t\u011b\u017ek\u00fd, hrozn\u011b moc.<\/div>\n
Boj\u00edm se, \u017ee tenhle m\u011bs\u00edc nespln\u00edm v pr\u00e1ci co mus\u00edm a nedostanu pen\u00edze na p\u0159\u00ed\u0161t\u00ed m\u011bs\u00edc. Fakt. Proto\u017ee jsem si nestanovila hodnoty, tak proto. M\u011bla jsem za\u010d\u00edt d\u011blat od za\u010d\u00e1tku m\u011bs\u00edce. Jen\u017ee jsem dostala pitom\u00fd kontakty a hrozn\u011b jsem se sekla na tom. A tohle by m\u011b nem\u011blo rozhodit.<\/div>\n
Nejsem zvykl\u00e1 mejt n\u00e1dob\u00ed. Nejsem zvykl\u00e1 pr\u00e1t, ani \u017eehlit, ani ukl\u00edzet. Sna\u017e\u00edm se to d\u011blat v n\u011bjak\u00fdch pravideln\u00fdch intervalech, ale stejn\u011b tady je n\u00e1dob\u00ed neumyt\u00fd a j\u00e1 kolem toho chod\u00edm a neumeju to. Nedojde mi to je\u0161t\u011b. Sama bydl\u00edm 3 m\u011bs\u00edce, d\u00e1 se na to zvyknout za t\u0159i m\u011bs\u00edce? Nebo kolik \u010dlov\u011bk pot\u0159ebuje \u010dasu, aby se v tom zab\u011bhl? Mn\u011b 3 m\u011bs\u00edce nesta\u010dily. Doma byla my\u010dka a kdy\u017e nebyla, d\u011blal my\u010dku m\u016fj votec.<\/div>\n
Vlastn\u011b jsem se m\u011bla \u00fapln\u011b dob\u0159e. Ob\u010das jsem si st\u011b\u017eovala, hm, asi ka\u017edej. A\u017e te\u010f vid\u00edm, jak\u00e1 to byla pohoda. \u0160kola, domov a nic. Nemusela jsem platit nic. Dneska jsem dostala vejplatu. Svoji druhou. Jsem na to py\u0161n\u00e1, dal\u0161\u00ed m\u011bs\u00edc tak utek! Dostala jsem ji, zaplatila jsem co jsem musela…<\/div>\n
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Je\u0161t\u011b jsem z toho nedala 2000 CZK na j\u00eddlo, neplatila internet, pau\u0161\u00e1l a benz\u00edn. A zase nic nem\u00e1m. P\u0159izn\u00e1m se, \u017ee jsem si teda koupila p\u00e1r drobnost\u00ed. Tri\u010dko (518,-) a \u0161aty (785,-) a je\u0161t\u011b si pot\u0159ebuju koupit cosi za 797,- a cht\u011bla jsem permici do fitka (proto\u017ee to m\u00e1 bejt jedna ze stanoven\u00fdch hodnot \u017eivota) a spodn\u00ed pr\u00e1dlo. Proto\u017ee mi je jen jedna moje podprsenka a mus\u00edm ji furt pr\u00e1t a pak, kdy\u017e je mokr\u00e1, tak \u017e\u00e1dnou nem\u00e1m.<\/div>\n
Pot\u0159ebuju (chci) tolik v\u011bc\u00ed. Prost\u011b, jak si na tohle vzpomenu, tak mi je zle. Fakt up\u0159\u00edmn\u011b mi je \u0161patn\u011b. \u017daludek, hlava, nespavost. Nesp\u00edm nev\u00edmkolik\u00e1tej den. Dva dny v\u016fbec, p\u0159edt\u00edm blb\u011b.<\/div>\n
Je\u0161t\u011b, \u017ee m\u00e1m F. On je \u00fapln\u011b tak ch\u00e1pavej k tomuhle. On ch\u00e1pe, \u017ee sem holka a kdybych pot\u0159ebovala rt\u011bnku nebo nev\u00edm co, \u00fapln\u011b vim, \u017ee by mi dal pen\u00edze se slovy, \u017ee v\u00ed \u017ee sem holka a \u017ee toho pot\u0159ebuju v\u00edc prost\u011b. Love him. (je\u0161t\u011b, \u017ee nepot\u0159ebuju rt\u011bnku). Asi ho d\u011bsn\u011b \u0161tvu s t\u00edm n\u00e1dob\u00edm a tak. Ale j\u00e1 si zvyknu, fakt. A\u0165 mi n\u011bco pom\u016f\u017ee s t\u011bma hodnotama a s prac\u00ed. Pot\u0159ebuju v n\u00ed m\u00edt v\u011bt\u0161\u00ed jistotu. A m\u00edt jistotu n\u011bjak\u00fdch X tis\u00edc m\u011bs\u00ed\u010dn\u011b. V\u00edc se sna\u017eit v pr\u00e1ci. V\u00edc se sna\u017eit v \u017eivot\u011b. Nebejt doma. N\u011bjak\u00e1 vidina dvouhodinov\u00fd ne\u010dinnosti za dopoledne nebo odpoledne by se m\u011bla rovnat plav\u00e1n\u00ed nebo fitku. M\u011bla by se prost\u011b N\u011a\u010cEMU ROVNAT. Nem\u011bla bych bejt unaven\u00e1 v \u0161est ve\u010der, ale aktivn\u011b \u017e\u00edt do dev\u00edti. Pracovat. H\u00fdbat se. \u010c\u00edst. Hr\u00e1t si. Milovat.<\/div>\n
V\u0161echno to st\u00edhat. P\u011bt v jednom. Co p\u011bt. Deset v jednom. Hodnotyyy… kde ste? :( Poj\u010fte mi aspo\u0148 naproti, v\u017edy\u0165 j\u00e1 to nezvl\u00e1dnu. A j\u00e1 jsem Nat\u00e1lije, j\u00e1 mus\u00edm v\u017edycky zvl\u00e1dnout v\u0161echno. V\u017edycky. Kdy\u017e si ud\u011bl\u00e1m denn\u00ed pl\u00e1n, zvl\u00e1dnu ho? Nevzd\u00e1m to? Boj\u00edm se toho, \u017ee \u0159eknu, \u017ee ne, \u017ee to nezvl\u00e1dnu, \u017ee to nem\u00e1 smysl. \u017de se mi n\u011bjakej den nebude cht\u00edt a neud\u011bl\u00e1m to. Nepojedu tam, kam m\u00e1m… zklamu sama sebe. To nechci.<\/div>\n
1. Nat\u00e1lije, mus\u00ed\u0161 pracovat, i kdy\u017e ti to zrovna nejde.<\/div>\n
2. Nat\u00e1lije, m\u00e1\u0161 u\u017e o 12kg v\u00edc, ne\u017e jsi m\u011bla. Mus\u00ed\u0161 cvi\u010dit a dodr\u017eet si p\u0159im\u011b\u0159enej j\u00eddeln\u00ed\u010dek.<\/div>\n
3. Nat\u00e1lije ty se\u0161 idiotka, je spousta v\u011bc\u00ed, co by t\u011b bavila. Pro\u010d to ned\u011bl\u00e1\u0161?<\/div>\n
4. Nat\u00e1lije, den m\u00e1 24 hodin. Kolik z nich vyu\u017eije\u0161?<\/div>\n
5. Nat\u00e1lije, asi bys m\u011bla p\u0159estat tohle ps\u00e1t.<\/div>\n
Jo no. Seknout se v \u017eivot\u011b a p\u0159ehodnotit ho. Pot\u0159ebuju to tak, jako sem nikdy nic nepot\u0159ebovala. Nikdy.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Je 1.16 r\u00e1no a j\u00e1 v norm\u00e1ln\u00edm sv\u011bt\u011b d\u00e1vno p\u0159e\u017eran\u00e1 sp\u00edm. Mus\u00edm se k n\u011b\u010demu p\u0159iznat. M\u00e1m depresi. J\u00e1…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[13],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aguidetolovelossanddesperation.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3726"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aguidetolovelossanddesperation.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aguidetolovelossanddesperation.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aguidetolovelossanddesperation.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aguidetolovelossanddesperation.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3726"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.aguidetolovelossanddesperation.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3726\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3728,"href":"https:\/\/www.aguidetolovelossanddesperation.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3726\/revisions\/3728"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.aguidetolovelossanddesperation.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3726"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aguidetolovelossanddesperation.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3726"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.aguidetolovelossanddesperation.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3726"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}